I was reminded today of how short life is, and I don’t mean that in a depressing way. If anything it makes life that bit more special. We forget though don’t we, because the days are long and the months even more so (especially when waiting for payday!) But the years go quickly, so quick that when you stop and really think about it you have no idea what you spent that year doing. I think I enjoy my life even more because I know it’s short, I make a conscious effort to make sure every day that I laugh, that I tell my friends & family when I see them that I love them, I try and make friends with everyone I meet and not because I need more of them but because human connection is the reason we are all here isn’t it? You never know when your time around the sun has come to the end. It’s scary but in a way it’s also magical. This is all we get, that we know of anyway, so stop forgetting that life is short, instead make sure at the start of every day that you’re going to live that day like it might be the last. Sure you might be at work or living an ordinary day, but make it happy. Stop forgetting that life is short because it makes you think you have time to do and say and feel all the things that you want to, and you might not get that time. So spend the day laughing, loving and try to make your little piece of this world a bit happier. Because that little piece? That’s your entire life.

This time last year we raised our glasses and hoped for a year of everything we ever dreamed of. For many, myself included 2020 was meant to be THE year it all worked out. So this year instead we raise a glass and we reflect on the past 12 months. On the year when the world stood still. The year that we remembered how lucky we are to go into a shop and come out with toilet roll and bread. The year we realised how much we took being able the put food on the table for granted. The year that all we wanted to do was have a cuddle, take off our masks and stop sanitising.

We realised that without our NHS, the thin blue line, the cleaners, the delivery drivers, the health and care workers, the civil servants, and all the volunteers we wouldn’t survive. The year we stood and clapped our thanks because it was all we could do, the year a man who had already fought for our country more than anyone should have to, walked laps in his garden and raised 32.79 million for our NHS. The year the BLM movement made waves in racist institutions. The year that everyone became banana bread bakers, walkers, runners and cyclists. The year that people of all ages and genders watched hours of tik tok videos just to keep themselves sane during the days where we could do nothing but sit on our sofas. It was the year of teaching children to sing happy birthday whilst washing their hands. It was the year our little part of the universe recovered just a little, from the lack of pollution and poison that we continuously throw at it. We remembered how beautiful our world was and we were desperate to go out into it. It was a year of so much grief and loss. A lot of people didn’t make it to this point for many different reasons and we all know they should have made it to 2021. But we also know that they stay in our hearts and those who love us never really leave us. So we raise a glass to them, to those who we loved and lost. To the people who lost their jobs, who didn’t know how to feed their children or pay their bills. To the companies who went under after spending their lives building them up. To the relationships that struggled to overcome the trials and tribulations that this year threw our way. We raise a glass to the good times that were light in a very dark year, because there were still so many good times. We laughed and we loved. We made memories in the form of zoom meetings, house party and social distance meet ups. Our friendships strengthened even without seeing eachother. We missed our families, we missed birthdays and weddings, christenings and celebrations. But most of all we missed eachother. We congratulate ourselves on the things we were still able to accomplish, the way we came together to help others in times of need. The change we adapted to that we never saw coming and we didn’t want to accept, but did. The way we pulled ourselves up after the dark clouds descended over our mental health. The way we sacrificed what we wanted and needed for what was RIGHT. We went in and out of lockdown and lost track of the tiers we were in as well as the tears we had cried, yet we kept our humour and British sarcasm throughout.

So instead this year we raise our glasses and we hope, not for everything we ever dreamed of but simply for a year that’s a little less dark. Whilst never forgetting how easily it can all be taken away from us. We swear to always remember that tomorrow is never promised and the only day we truly have is the day we are living in. We promise to never ever forget the good and the bad days that taught us so much from the year the world stood still. 2021 we aren’t sure we are ready for what you might bring us, but we welcome you anyway with much hope and faith.

Happy new year everyone, this year i hope you stay safe, you take too many pictures, you hug those that you still have with you, and more than anything I hope that you never stop finding new ways to make your soul happy.

So I haven’t written anything in a really long time and I guess it’s because I felt like I didn’t have anything to say. I don’t want to be the type of person who writes just for the sake of it, the whole idea of me starting this was so that I could work through things with the words I put down on here.

Life has been hectic lately and recently it’s felt like an overwhelming sense of being stuck in mud where every move I make takes me absolutely fucking nowhere. Sound familiar? So I haven’t really spent any time trying to dissect exactly how the years coming to a close.

We are nearing the end of this weird and wonderful year and I feel like it’s been the most overwhelming, confusing, toughest yet strongest year I’ve had. It’s fair to say it’s not ended how it started at all, absolutely nothing that was meant to happen has happened and I’m more than ok with that, I’m thankful for it. But I’m also ok with realising that there are days where I’m still a little angry and bitter about that too.

For a long time I was just so happy that the life I planned didn’t actually happen (thank god for blessings in disguise) However, because of that I thought it meant I couldn’t acknowledge that actually some days I’m still pretty pissed off watching other people’s lives go in that direction. I’m pretty pissed off that I didn’t get what everyone else seems to get and I’m fucking furious that I feel like I’m always waiting to catch a glimpse of that happiness.

I didn’t realise I could feel relief, anger, happiness and resentment all at once. But I can…because those negative emotions are the bad days and bad days are absolutely going to happen. The key is remembering that for every bad day, every flicker of anger or every pitying thought, there is a hundred silent thank you’s to the universe for giving me a closed door I needed, a thousand happy days filled with more peace than I had the year before and million dreams of what my future really holds.

I know so many people who have had some really tough moments this year and If that’s you I just hope that you’ve managed to find the beautiful moments too. I hope you’ve found the lesson you needed to learn, I hope you’ve found yourself – all by yourself and most importantly I hope you’ve realised it’s ok to be human and to feel both happiness and sadness, and accept the good days and the bad.

There is still a lot to get through the next two months and life is by no means simple but I wouldn’t change a second of this year. It’s ending on a high 💚

Ok so ( I think I write too many blogs saying ‘ok so’ but it’s now my thing so we’ll go with it) I’ve been really ill for the past four days and apart from going to the walk in centre I literally hadn’t seen daylight once.

Today I went back to work because thanks to Mr Fleming and his genius discovery of penicillin I’m feeling much better. Anyway, finally free of pain and my dark bedroom I expected to be in a great mood today but it was the opposite, I went to work feeling utterly miserable. Apart from missing out on the sun over the bank holiday weekend absolutely nothing had changed from last week yet I felt completely hopeless, down and my thoughts were dark.

This is a pattern that happens with me a lot when I spend too long on my own, too long in my own thoughts and isolated. So then i started thinking this must be how those without family, friends or a place to work feel 24/7 and that must be devastating.

I’ve had the same best friends pretty much my whole life, I met three of them when I was 4 years old and somehow tricked them into being my friend, we met the other one when we were 14 (she tricked us) Since then our friendship group has grown and expanded to over double what it was and three little people have also joined us. All my life people have told me how lucky we are to have those friendships and I agreed but I didn’t really understand how lucky.

Those girls that forged those friendships at 4 and 15 and then later as adults? They have cried together more times than I care to remember, they have laughed until they physically couldn’t breathe, they have supported, guided and criticised eachother when needed because real friends don’t just applaud you when your doing good, they tell you when you’re doing bad too. My point is that four days on my own and it was easy to slip back into unhealthy thinking patterns. But 8 hours with friends at work, seeing my mum and dad and chatting to the girls I’m back to my usual self and I’m feeling grateful as hell that I am lucky enough to be surrounded by so many people.

There are people who spend their whole lives without a surrogate sister or brother by their side, and I have more than I can count on my hand. Ive got friends at work I couldn’t get through my days without and a family who’s love and support is unquestionable.

Loneliness and isolation is one of the reasons I originally wanted to do my Mental Health Mates walk on the 26th of May, because I know there are people who aren’t as lucky as me and if I can help in anyway to give back what I get every day then I will.

So please reach out to someone you know doesn’t have anyone. Smile at that stranger walking on their own, say hello to the man sleeping in the streets. We can’t save everyone from loneliness or be everyones friend, I get that. But we can be a little kinder to each other and make a bad day a little more bearable for someone. 💕

Ok so today was meant to be the handover date for my brand new, beautiful family home with my amazing partner, which means that next week I should have be moving in to my first ever home. Instead I’m sitting alone on my sofa, that’s still in my dads house waiting till it’s at least 5pm and acceptable to open the gin and tonic. Oh how life changes in 30 days.

So this morning when I saw the date I thought well that’s a shitter and it hit me right in the pit of my stomach. You know that feeling when you feel sick and sad and angry all at once? Then I thought ok i have two options 1: I can spend all day being depressed about it, thinking about what was meant to be and what I thought was going to be my future. I can be utterly miserable and sad and angry at the world or 2: I can turn it into something positive and not waste the whole day being a moody cow. I’m not going to lie it was a serious toss up between the two, and it took everything I had to choose the second option but I did anyway.

So I thought about 5 things that are a positive in my life right now that are happening only because everything I thought was coming, didn’t come.

1. I’m focusing all my energy on myself, I’ve neglected myself for way too long and it’s nice to be the priority again.

2. By the end of the year I’ll have bought my first home all by MYSELF, and no man can ever take that away from me. (And yes the theme will be grey and pink)

3. I’m falling in love with the world again, for a long time I was in a relationship bubble and the outside world was something I forgot about.

4. I’m learning what mistakes I’ve been making and what pain patterns I need to stop repeating in order to ever move forward.

5. Probably the most important one. The past 30 days have been some of my most painful and life changing, but when I look back on that time all I really remember is the kind words from people I hadn’t spoken to in years, the love and kindness of my family, the work friends who became my biggest supporters, and the best friends that ran to my side and brought me back to life again. I think of how much love I felt was surrounding me whilst in the process of feeling that I was losing it all. And I realised how beautiful it is that even in the darkest of times the kindness of others can re light the way for you, it may not have re lit my whole world just yet, but it gave me enough light to see a path way, and sometimes that’s all you need to make it out the other side.

Let it hurt, and then let it go. – R.H Sin

I’ve always been too much.

When I was a child I was told that I spoke too much, I had too much to say, too much energy, too much curiosity.

As a teenager it was too gobby, growing up too fast, too loud, too chatty, too dramatic, too sensitive. blah blah blah

As an adult it’s been all of these things plus a few more! Just to add to the list: drinks too much, smokes too much, swears too much, Loves too much, hates to much. Everything’s just too much. I can’t do anything 50% it has to be 100% or nothing at all. So when I’m bad I’m everyone’s worst nightmare and when I’m good I’m a complete dream. It’s the highest highs or the lowest lows and I’ve never been able to find the balance.

I spent a lot of time wishing I wasn’t too much, wishing I could just find a nice happy medium. So I’ve held in the big loud laugh, I’ve not said that inappropriate joke, I’ve quietened my voice and sat down and shut up. But it’s not me. Ive realised I actually quite like me and the only reason I’ve tried to change those parts of my personality I was born with is to suit others, to make them feel better.

So yes I agree I am too loud, I’m too sensitive, I’m way too open, I talk too much and I dramatise everything. But you see those things are actually not always a bad thing.

By being too loud it means I am able to offer my voice to those who are not able to use theirs. I can shout and scream and demand that you are heard even when you don’t have the strength yourself.

I am an open book I know that, who wants to hear about every going on in my life? Probably no one! But it opens the door for someone to ask me for a chat or advice, because they have no one else they can talk to about something that’s ‘way to open’.

By being too sensitive it means I have empathy for everything around me be it the wasps I don’t allow my colleagues at work to kill, or the guy living on the street who just wants a cup of tea and a warm pair of socks.

Yes I talk way too much but guess what that elderly man I just spoke to in the bank, he may not have had any one ask him how he’s been for weeks. That full time mum I just made a joke to in the supermarket, she might not have laughed with an adult ALL day.

Ok and yeah I may be a complete drama queen but what is life without having a bloody laugh? Life is way too serious and painful and dark and so sometimes we just need to have a little fun! I hope that everyday you find a reason to be silly and belly laugh as loud as you can.

So yes I am too much, I am too fucking much and I’m proud of it. I would rather spend my life being 100% myself, laughing as loud as my body naturally wants me too, talking as much as my mouth allows me to and loving every damn moment whilst I can. Because in the end what does it even matter? Who wants to be on their death bed saying I wish I’d just done more of what felt like me, who wants to say I wish I hadn’t let the world silence and dull me down? Certainly not me. So be too much, be yourself and be whatever the hell makes you feel like YOU. Because in the end that’s all you’ve got.

Do not ever let anyone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me become the person I am today, despite her flaws she’s a girl I kinda like.

The boys/men I’ve dated were all very different in their ways but the same in others. Does that mean I have a type? I’m not sure. An ex boyfriend actually said to me this week that I have terrible taste in men, A terrible need to find men that need fixing, funnily enough he includes himself in this! I figure that we all need a little fixing sometimes, Ive been fixed by some and broken by others. I suppose the problem is when the only men I go for are those who need fixing. I’ve never had a relationship with a man or boy who wasn’t deeply scarred by life and incapable of changing. Is it because their aren’t any out there? Or is it just my preference?

What does that say about me? Do I just like a project? Do I think saving people validates me more? I think what we find in others speaks volumes about ourselves and the type of people we attract in our lives. Maybe it’s because the majority of the time I am a hot mess so I seek others who are equally as confused and ‘broken’ or perhaps it’s because I want to fix in someone else what i can’t fix in myself. Or maybe it’s because when I see the red flags and the big fuck of neon sign saying help me I just can’t turn away. I think it’s maybe a little of all those things, however the main conclusion I have come to is that it’s the only way I was taught to love.

I thought after my recent break up it’s time to close the chapter I’ve been on the past 14 years with the same type of men. The only way I know how to do this is to write it all out and say the things that I’ve never really said out loud. So I’m going back to the beginning where it all began.

Dear A – you were the first boy I ever thought I loved, truly head over heels, cry into my pillow, never get over kinda love. At 26 I now know I never loved you, not really. I was 13 and you took me on a whirlwind destructive romance that spanned my entire teenage life and led me on this course I’m on now. You showed me my first real taste of ‘love’ and it was the most toxic and unhealthy love I’ve ever known. Every person I have ever dated since you has had the same help me look and believe it or not you weren’t the worst. In fact the worst came a year after you at 14, then 4 years after at 18, and now I’ve given up trying to number who was worse because maybe it’s all on me the people I choose to love.

You lied, you cheated and you manipulated me. I was 13 but so was you, so does that make you a victim too? When you told me you had cancer, stage 3 lung cancer for months I supported you, I kept it a secret until you were ready for our world to know. I cried, oh how I cried nightly trying to process that my 13 year old boyfriend was dying. I spent evenings on the internet learning as much as I could about this disease. I hurt my self trying to cope with the impending loss my 13 year old heart and brain just couldn’t comprehend. I supported you when your dad died, when your drug addictions took over as you tried to deal with the cancer that was wrecking your body. I didn’t know much about drugs back then other than cannabis, but for you I learnt about heroin, I learnt why people took crack cocaine just to get through the day. I found the ‘talk to frank’ number and I put it in your phone for those weak moments.

Had I been 23 I would have known that this made no sense what so ever, that someone telling you their dad had died and then suddenly being alive again a week later was most definitely not a huge ‘misunderstanding’. No 13 year old boy was able to keep lung cancer a secret, no 13 year old was able to compete in cross country every week whilst he had 6 months to live. No 13 year old boy pretended he couldn’t stop smoking crack cocaine when he had never even smoked a cigarette. When you told me you needed a liver transplant I thought it just couldn’t get any worse, I offered to donate my liver having no clue how that even worked – oh the naivety of being a child. But I wasn’t 23 I was 13 and I was in love. I was 13 and I didn’t know there were people in the world that were sick enough to lie about these diseases. I say sick because you were sick, not with cancer or addictions but sick in a way I didn’t understand back then. Yet I understood you needed help, my help and so I stayed. Long after you told me the truth of your lies, I stayed. I stayed for 3 more years even when you through me away , even when you wasn’t mine to have. I became the cancer, the addiction, the secret you kept and all because when you looked at me, in your eyes I saw what I can only describe as a dying animal, begging and pleading for help. I couldn’t leave not really, even when I tried, even when I did manage to break free you still had that power over me.

You didn’t break me because I hadn’t been made, instead you moulded me. I was like brand new clay straight out of the oven and you moulded me into a person I’ve never really got away from. I hated you for that, I hated you for showing me what love wasn’t. I hated you for being the person to show me how to build my walls high and never trust. I hated that at 13 I had the bitterness and mistrust of a 40 year old. But now I forgive you, not because you asked me too. But because I need to, if I’m ever going to break this cycle of loving people who refuse or simply are not able to change or show love, then I need to forgive you. You see I don’t blame you entirely and I don’t blame myself entirely either. Instead I’m forgiving you for the part you played and I’m forgiving myself for what I allowed long after you left.

You taught me that monsters do exist and they aren’t always evil – sometimes they are just sick. I learnt that although you and many others may need help, it’s not my help you need. So thank you because I’ve finally realised that I can’t save people, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed, and by choosing to stay and help re build them only leaves me cut on their broken edges.

Your story belongs to you. You own everything that has ever happened to you, and if people wanted you to write warmly about them, then they should have behaved better.

Them – ‘Are you ok?’

Me – ‘Yeah just tired!’

The truth – not really no, I can’t stop crying and life seems impossible.

Them – ‘what’s up with you?’

Me – ‘nothing I’m fine’

The truth – I want to kill myself

Them – ‘do you fancy doing something tonight?’

Me – ‘ah I can’t tonight I’m busy sorry’

The truth – I want to hide away and think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be here.

How many times have you related to the above? Hopefully never if you’re really lucky but if you’re unlucky maybe it’s everyday. I first knew there was something ‘different’ about me when I was 11 years old and going to secondary school, hitting puberty and growing a few inches made me suicidal. Sure the jump between primary school and secondary school was meant to be hard, you were meant to find it life changing, but were you meant to hate everything about your life to the point where you wanted to end it? I don’t think so.

UK statistics show that 1 in 4 people experience mental health problems each year. 1 in 4. I think we hear statistics like that so often now that we become so desensitised to it and the affect it has on us isn’t shock anymore. Put it this way if there are 12 people sitting in your room right now at work, or sitting on a bus with you then at least 3 of them are currently struggling with their mental health. It could be anxiety or depression, it could be an eating disorder or bipolar Disorder, or it could be one of the other hundreds if not thousands of diagnosed problems we have today. Look at those people – try and be discreet unless you want to explain why you’re staring at them – would you have guessed? Can you pick which one you think is struggling? Of course you can’t because mental health has no preference.

I have been on both sides of mental health and more than once I can tell you that. Neither is easy.

I’ve been the one who needed help, who needed to be picked up off the floor because life was unbearable and painful and the storms just would not stop. They came one after the other, hard and fast and the wind knocked me down every single time. I couldn’t see a life beyond pain and I remember saying to my friend once when I was trying to convince her to just let me die ‘this is my life, I am continuously unhappy and in pain. What is the point in me being alive if I am feeling nothing but pain?’ I said it with the straightest face, I meant every word and I felt nothing as I said it. I was numb. I am thankful every day to those who stood by me without flinching. Who showed me more strength and love than I could have ever dreamt of. No body saved me, I saved myself. But those people? They supported and loved me to the point were I WANTED to save myself, I WANTED to choose to live.

I’ve been the one who’s trying desperately to talk someone of a proverbial ledge, begging and pleading with them to just stay. I’ve used every tactic I know to try and ease their pain, I’ve promised the world to them a thousand times over in the hope that it would give them something to believe in. I have stood strong and positive, I have cried whilst begging them to decide to just live.

Now considering I’ve been on both sides I feel confident in saying that for me watching someone go through mental health problems was far worse than actually going through it myself. You see when your in pain that’s all you have is your pain or your numbness. But when your the ‘healthy’ one you feel everything all at once and it kills you. It kills you that you aren’t enough to save a person – which is ridiculous because it’s not a human beings capability to save anyone but them self. It kills to watch them drowning knowing that if you can only convince them to just stand up they will make it. It kills to know that you would give anything for them to be happy. It kills even more when you know they can and they will be.

It’s tough being ill, being healthy, being alive its all just really tough regardless of your mental health. Because although there are amazing moments in life there are also so many devastating and tragic moments. Some we live through and some we watch.

Human beings are just complex, contradictions of cells that have a beating heart and a brain that sometimes struggles to work. None of us know why we are here, sure everyone has their own opinions and that’s great. But no one actually knows the reason. I think because of that we have to choose our reasons that are personal to us. For me I’m here to love deeply, to protect, to laugh and dance and sing even when I shouldn’t. I’m here to make my life the absolute best it can be even on the days when I can’t find a single reason to enjoy it. I’m here to help those I love do the same, to fight through the dark nights and the long days. I’m here to help them become the best versions of themselves and to live a life they love.

Because although this life will always be tough, and scary and confusing it is worth it. It’s worth it for each moment you feel pure love, pure happiness and pure peace.

If I could give 3 bits of advice to those who are currently struggling it would be this:

Please do not give in to your thoughts, this is a fight you will win.

You have so much more to live for than what you believe right now, it gets better but you have to be around to see it.

Ask, scream, shout and beg for help because you will find it. People care and people will listen.

If I could give 3 bits of advice to those who are supporting someone struggle it would be this:

Please do not give up on them, your support and love will help heal them in ways you can’t even know right now.

Know when YOU need to ask for help, sometimes someone needs professional help beyond what you can offer them.

Sometimes you don’t have to try and solve their problems. Just listen, cry with them, be honest with them, sit in silence with them. Just be there.

There is a darkness that life brings us occasionally, every time it comes you have the choice to sit in it and fade away. Or you can choose to fight through it and survive. Better days are coming.