Consent

So the other day I started talking to my nephew who’s 11 about sex and I thought it was important to mention consent. I told my parents later and my dad awkwardly laughed and said ‘oh for god sake tasha’ as though him only being 11 meant he shouldn’t need to understand the difference between yes and no, between agreeing to something because you’re scared and actually wanting to do it. That because he was still a child he didn’t need to learn how to treat others, how to respect their wishes even when it wasn’t what he wanted. So I thought I’d share a story with you all.

There was a young girl who had just turned 14 years old, exactly 3 weeks before she met a boy who was just turning 17. She was flattered by his attention, she thought he was the cool older boy she read about in her books, she wasn’t a naive girl but suddenly she was in too deep. The first few weeks started off fun and exciting but quickly became something different, instead sharing milkshakes she was being handed a joint to share. Instead of enjoying first kisses she was being told she would be dumped for being a virgin. Instead of walks to the park she was taken straight to his bedroom.

Each time they spent together any decision she made whether it be saying no to a packet of crisps or no to watching a film was suddenly because she was frigid. A virgin who wasn’t as good as his last girlfriend. The girl wasn’t sure what to do, did she want to lose her first ever boyfriend just because she was scared? Did she tell him he was upsetting her? A month ago she was 13 and worrying about what eyeshadow to wear to the school disco, how did she even at this point?

One night tossing and turning in bed, worried about losing the boy she thought she so desperately loved, She wrote the boy a message and told him she didn’t want to lose her virginity, she wasn’t ready and she wanted to wait. She told him he was making her sad with his comments. She said that if it meant she would lose him then she would do it for him, if he really needed her to. The next day she saw him and he asked if she meant what she had said, she replied that she did and thought he would apologise for pressuring her and threatening to break up with her. That he would say he loved her regardless and that he would wait. He didn’t apologise. He didn’t wait. He simply told her to take her knickers off and lay down. She done as she was told without saying a word. Tears soon started to fall once he started having sex with her. He told her to stop crying and then put a cigarette in her mouth and lit it up. She laid there confused, crying and scared. She looked up at the boy she was losing her virginity to with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. She held hers in her hand just watching the cigarette burn down to ash.

That young girl was me.

I know too many girls who were coerced, pressured or abused. I know too many women who have been attacked, unconscious or forced. So please talk to your children 8 or 18 teach them that anything other than enthusiastic participation or verbal consent is not consent. Teach your boys to respect and to listen and that no means no. That ‘i don’t want to’ is an complete answer. Teach your girls to stick by their choices and to speak out when they are scared.

Just teach your children to be strong and kind and courageous because being a kid in this world is all sorts of confusing. You aren’t just raising your babies, you are raising them to be boyfriends and husbands, girlfriends and wives. ❤️

Dear Self

Dear Self,

I want to start by saying I’m sorry.
There is a lot i need to apoligise for and I’m sure there will be a lot more to come in the future.

To my heart – I’m sorry that i allowed you to be hurt so many times when i knew what was coming. I’m sorry that i put them first and you were just an afterthought, the collateral damage. I know that because of my mistakes you have learned how to bend instead of break, i know that lesson came at a huge cost. I’m sorry for telling you that you didn’t deserve anything good, that you weren’t worth enough.

To my gut – I know i should listen to you, you’ve never been wrong. I’m sorry that i pass you off as anxiety and irrational thoughts. The reality is everything you’ve ever tried to tell me Ive ignored, and its always turned out to be true. I know that all you have ever tried to do was warn me of the inevitable, to save me from pain. You should know i am really trying to pay attention to you more now.

To my body – To you i am the sorriest. I have put you through hell and expected you to never let me down. I didn’t realise that it was actually me who has been letting you down. I destroyed you more times than once, all for a peace of mind i never got. When i couldn’t control my thoughts or my car crash of a life, i chose to control you. I hurt you and i punished you for pain that you weren’t responsible for. For 15 years you have been the outlet for all my pain and yet you haven’t failed me once. When i was sad i fed you hate, when i was angry i didn’t allow you to eat at all. When i was lost i drowned you, when i was ashamed i purged you. When i couldn’t feel anything at all i filled you with poison, when i felt everything at once i left you with with scars.

I have over a decade of mistakes to make up for and i hope that i don’t run out of time. I would like to say that i have finally learnt your worth but i think im still figuring that one out. All i know is from here on out every road block in my life, every painful moment i will deal with it in a healthier way. In a way that doesn’t sacrifice you.

Your body is the only home you have, please look after it.

Que Sera Sera

Life is strange.

I wanted to begin this blog with that sentence because I think strange sums it’s up perfectly. Life can be amazing, you could have so much happiness and everything you’ve ever dreamt of and in a heartbeat life is tragic again. Every second two people die, every second four people are born. For every two marriages one ends in divorce. That is alot of ying and a lot of yang so what does it make life, good or bad? Amazing or horrific? I think it’s both and the only way I can describe it is strange. Good strange, bad strange it doesn’t matter it’s just strange.

My Nan used to sing to me the song Que Sera Sera and as a child I enjoyed it but I didn’t understand it until now. Simply the song is about a young child asking her mother what’s going to happen to her life, will she be happy, sad, pretty, ugly, married, single, rich or poor. The girl much like all of us just wants the answer to how her life will be. Her mum can’t give her any answers because quite frankly there aren’t any. Que Sera Sera means ‘whatever may be, will be’ and it’s simple but true. We do not know what will happen tomorrow and I think we waste a lot of time believing in the tomorrow we have planned. You can’t know how life will go and you can’t predict it. We as human beings like to know what’s ahead so that we can deal with what is coming but this is a world where that is impossible. You can think and feel something with all your heart but that doesn’t mean it will happen. You can prepare for the next twist and turn but can you ever really be prepared for death, loss, betrayal or your world shattering?

I believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe that what we do and what we say can alter it. One decision can change your direction in life forever but ultimately whatever happens whatever is coming it will still come. One of my favourite Harry Potter quotes is actually when Hagrid says ‘what’s coming is coming and we’ll meet it when it does’.

I think instead of looking for the answers and trying to prepare for the next storm, all we can really do is build ourselves to be strong enough to survive life’s unexpected storms and alterations. I think we need to know how to bend rather than break. We need to know that life is strange and it follows no rule book, it lives by no moral compass and it doesn’t listen to anyone’s pleas. The trick is accepting it and meeting all of those head on with strength and peace and acceptance, not with hatred or bitterness or bargaining. Because however we react and however we choose to face it, it won’t change, because life is strange and Que Sera Sera.

So how do we build ourselves up to be that strong and resilient? For me right now it’s holding loved ones close whilst I can, it’s writing and reading, it’s exercising and having a routine. Its finding laughter in every day and being silly. It’s trying to meditate and look inside myself for acceptance of the answers that just are not out there. It’s sleeping enough and filling my body with things that are good for it. It is forgiving myself for the times I forget to follow what I preach. Will all these things be enough to hold me still whilst the wind roars around me, I don’t know. But I feel strong and I feel capable and right now that is enough.

And in the end, life is strange, Que Sera Sera.

Heartbreak

How do we end up giving people so much power over us that when they leave they utterly break us. How do we go from saying ‘I am never letting anyone in again’ or ‘I won’t let myself get hurt this time’ to end up straight back at square one after falling for all the promises. All the rules and boundaries you set after the last heartbreak so quickly disappear once your happy and in love. Then when it all comes crashing down again all your left with is pain and anger. Anger at yourself for forgetting in a second of happiness the rules and boundaries you’d built for years. After all you set them to protect yourself from this exact thing.

It’s completely unimaginable to me that two people can share a life together with so much intimacy so many shared thoughts and plans, and in the blink of an eye only one gets to completely destroy it. The 21st century feminist in me is so proud that we live in a world where if your unhappy you can leave, please don’t mistake me for that. It’s just so unfair that it takes two to built a world and only one to end it, with absolutely no choice for the other one left behind. If you need to leave, leave but don’t be cruel about it.

How can you go from private jokes, future plans and everyday I love yous. From sleeping next to each other so peacefully, from laughing so hard with eachother you don’t think you’ll ever stop to ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘this isn’t what i want now’

Every time I think I’ve finally used up all my tears and I’m through crying I start again. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s only been 2 days, and although it feels like it’s been a whole week of rollercoaster emotions it’s been 48 hours. How unbelievably crazy is it that in two days your entire universe can be flipped upside down, shaken, burnt down and the other person isn’t even around to watch where the pieces fall.

I was so close to having everything I always dreamt of, a partner who adored me, a dog I loved, our first home we were a month away from moving into, and a family we were planning for next year. How can you lose all of that in only 48 hours? And how could you have got it so wrong? There are so many questions that there just aren’t answers to and instead of looking for them in all the wrong places, I’m going to try and accept that there just isn’t any to find.

I feel like a fraud. I posted sixteen not even 7 days ago about how ‘life gets better you just have to be around to see it’, that blog was centred around my so called ‘perfect relationship’ and the next blog after it is me talking about my heartbreak. It’s almost ironic. If i wasn’t so terrifyingly broken I would laugh.

I’m not sure when the feeling comes when your ready to accept your new reality, ready to tell the world and make a new plan. For me if feels likes never but I’m sure it must come at some point.

I just don’t know how to be here in this life I’ve created for myself, in this world where I was a two, now alone. I don’t know how to do all the things i would normally do knowing I’m alone. I know I have so many amazing family and friends, and I’m lucky as hell for that. But I still feel alone because the only person who was my side by side partner, my second brain, my right arm, my be all and end all is gone. But they aren’t gone they are still here living breathing, just not with me.

I guess in the end the pain and the anger and confusion will slowly take itself away and hide somewhere deep inside me, so that every day I don’t have feel it, so I can laugh and mean it, so I can enjoy my life and maybe even love again. But I know it will always be there locked away along with the memories and the dreams of what almost was. If I choose to go in and open it and feel it I can, but if not it’ll just stay hidden forever a part of me. ❤️

Heartbreak in any form is the single worst thing that can happen to a human being, whether it be through death, loss of love or betrayal – you heart will never truly heal.