So the other day I started talking to my nephew who’s 11 about sex and I thought it was important to mention consent. I told my parents later and my dad awkwardly laughed and said ‘oh for god sake tasha’ as though him only being 11 meant he shouldn’t need to understand the difference between yes and no, between agreeing to something because you’re scared and actually wanting to do it. That because he was still a child he didn’t need to learn how to treat others, how to respect their wishes even when it wasn’t what he wanted. So I thought I’d share a story with you all.

There was a young girl who had just turned 14 years old, exactly 3 weeks before she met a boy who was just turning 17. She was flattered by his attention, she thought he was the cool older boy she read about in her books, she wasn’t a naive girl but suddenly she was in too deep. The first few weeks started off fun and exciting but quickly became something different, instead sharing milkshakes she was being handed a joint to share. Instead of enjoying first kisses she was being told she would be dumped for being a virgin. Instead of walks to the park she was taken straight to his bedroom.

Each time they spent together any decision she made whether it be saying no to a packet of crisps or no to watching a film was suddenly because she was frigid. A virgin who wasn’t as good as his last girlfriend. The girl wasn’t sure what to do, did she want to lose her first ever boyfriend just because she was scared? Did she tell him he was upsetting her? A month ago she was 13 and worrying about what eyeshadow to wear to the school disco, how did she even at this point?

One night tossing and turning in bed, worried about losing the boy she thought she so desperately loved, She wrote the boy a message and told him she didn’t want to lose her virginity, she wasn’t ready and she wanted to wait. She told him he was making her sad with his comments. She said that if it meant she would lose him then she would do it for him, if he really needed her to. The next day she saw him and he asked if she meant what she had said, she replied that she did and thought he would apologise for pressuring her and threatening to break up with her. That he would say he loved her regardless and that he would wait. He didn’t apologise. He didn’t wait. He simply told her to take her knickers off and lay down. She done as she was told without saying a word. Tears soon started to fall once he started having sex with her. He told her to stop crying and then put a cigarette in her mouth and lit it up. She laid there confused, crying and scared. She looked up at the boy she was losing her virginity to with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. She held hers in her hand just watching the cigarette burn down to ash.

That young girl was me.

I know too many girls who were coerced, pressured or abused. I know too many women who have been attacked, unconscious or forced. So please talk to your children 8 or 18 teach them that anything other than enthusiastic participation or verbal consent is not consent. Teach your boys to respect and to listen and that no means no. That ‘i don’t want to’ is an complete answer. Teach your girls to stick by their choices and to speak out when they are scared.

Just teach your children to be strong and kind and courageous because being a kid in this world is all sorts of confusing. You aren’t just raising your babies, you are raising them to be boyfriends and husbands, girlfriends and wives. ❤️