Dear Self,

I want to start by saying I’m sorry.
There is a lot i need to apoligise for and I’m sure there will be a lot more to come in the future.

To my heart – I’m sorry that i allowed you to be hurt so many times when i knew what was coming. I’m sorry that i put them first and you were just an afterthought, the collateral damage. I know that because of my mistakes you have learned how to bend instead of break, i know that lesson came at a huge cost. I’m sorry for telling you that you didn’t deserve anything good, that you weren’t worth enough.

To my gut – I know i should listen to you, you’ve never been wrong. I’m sorry that i pass you off as anxiety and irrational thoughts. The reality is everything you’ve ever tried to tell me Ive ignored, and its always turned out to be true. I know that all you have ever tried to do was warn me of the inevitable, to save me from pain. You should know i am really trying to pay attention to you more now.

To my body – To you i am the sorriest. I have put you through hell and expected you to never let me down. I didn’t realise that it was actually me who has been letting you down. I destroyed you more times than once, all for a peace of mind i never got. When i couldn’t control my thoughts or my car crash of a life, i chose to control you. I hurt you and i punished you for pain that you weren’t responsible for. For 15 years you have been the outlet for all my pain and yet you haven’t failed me once. When i was sad i fed you hate, when i was angry i didn’t allow you to eat at all. When i was lost i drowned you, when i was ashamed i purged you. When i couldn’t feel anything at all i filled you with poison, when i felt everything at once i left you with with scars.

I have over a decade of mistakes to make up for and i hope that i don’t run out of time. I would like to say that i have finally learnt your worth but i think im still figuring that one out. All i know is from here on out every road block in my life, every painful moment i will deal with it in a healthier way. In a way that doesn’t sacrifice you.

Your body is the only home you have, please look after it.